Tag: trusting God

Perfect Peace, Even Here

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I used to think emotional regulation meant learning how to not feel so much. I thought healing would mean I would not be as emotional or as easily affected by things. Maybe if I could learn to control my reactions better, I would finally feel stronger and more secure.

But I am realizing that is not what God is asking me to do. He is not asking me to pretend I am fine when I am not. He is not asking me to push down grief, anger, fear, or disappointment. He is not asking me to become numb. He is teaching me to bring those emotions to Him before I let them take over.

There are still moments when something that may seem small can send my mind racing. It can be a change in someone’s tone, a facial expression, a delayed answer, or a conversation that does not feel finished. My mind immediately starts trying to figure out what happened. I replay the conversation. I wonder what was really meant. I question what is true, what is safe, and what I might have missed.

Betrayal taught me that what I thought was true might not have been the whole truth. It taught me that there could be another reality happening that I did not know about. Because of that, my mind still looks for what I might be missing. Sometimes my body reacts before I have even figured out what I am feeling. My heart beats faster, my chest feels tight, and I feel like I need answers right away.

For a long time, I thought the goal was to stop having those reactions. Now I think the goal is to learn what to do when they come. I am learning to pause, breathe, pray, and pay attention to what is happening inside of me before I react. I am learning that a feeling can be real without being allowed to lead me.

My feelings are not wrong, but they do not always tell me the whole story. Fear can make something feel urgent. Anger can make me feel like I need to act immediately. Grief can make it seem like the pain will never end. I am learning to bring all of that to God and let Him help me sort through what is true.

Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”

I have always liked the words perfect peace, but I think I used to picture them differently. I thought perfect peace would come when my life felt peaceful. I thought it would happen when my relationships felt secure, when I had answers, and when nothing unexpected was happening around me.

But that is not what this verse says. It does not say God will keep everything around me peaceful. It says He will keep me in peace when my mind stays fixed on Him and I trust Him.

That means perfect peace can exist even here. It can exist in the middle of uncertainty. It can exist while I am still healing. It can exist when I do not have all the answers and when someone else’s choices are completely outside of my control.

Peace does not mean nothing is wrong. It means I know where to turn when something is wrong. It means I can remind myself that God is still God. He is still with me. He is not confused or caught off guard. He sees what I cannot see, knows what I do not know, and understands what I cannot make sense of.

God is not asking me to figure everything out before I can rest. He is asking me to trust Him.

Sometimes that means turning my mind back to Him over and over again. Peace is not always one big spiritual moment. Sometimes it is a lot of small choices throughout the day. It is choosing not to keep replaying a conversation. It is telling God what I am afraid of. It is waiting until I am calm before I respond. It is choosing what I know is true instead of following where fear is trying to take me.

If you are healing from betrayal, emotional regulation is not about excusing what happened or pretending you are okay. It is not about becoming quieter, less emotional, or easier for everyone else to be around. It is about slowing down enough to let God meet you in what you are feeling.

For me, being rooted and anchored in Jesus means learning to pause before I react. It means telling God the truth about how I feel and asking Him to help me choose the next right thing. And God can handle the truth. He can handle my anger, my questions, my fear, and the moments when I do not feel peaceful at all.

Psalm 62:8 says, “Pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” I love that verse because it reminds me that I do not have to hide any of this from God. I do not have to clean up my emotions before I come to Him. I can pour everything out and trust that He will meet me there.

I have not mastered this. Not even close. There are still times when I react too quickly. There are still moments when fear becomes louder than truth. There are still days when my mind feels anything but steadfast.

But I can see God gently rebuilding the places in me that have lived in survival mode for a long time. He is teaching me that peace is not found in controlling every outcome. It is not found in knowing everything or making sure I am never hurt again. Peace is found in Him.

Maybe perfect peace does not mean I am never shaken. Maybe it means I know where to return when I am.

Even the Smallest Thread

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I am currently in the messy middle of healing from betrayal and infidelity. Some days I can see how far God has brought me. Other days I still feel like I am standing in the middle of all the damage trying to understand what happened and what comes next. Healing has not looked the way I thought it would.

I think I expected there would be a point where I would feel better and then just keep moving forward. But it has not been like that. There have been good days and hard days. There have been days when I have felt peaceful and days when something small has brought all the pain back again.

One thing God has really been showing me lately is that this suffering has not been wasted. There were times when I felt like I was barely hanging on by a thread. I did not feel strong. I did not feel rooted. I did not feel anchored. I just felt like I was trying to make it through the day.

Looking back now, I can see that even in those really dark moments, there was still a tiny thread connecting me to Jesus. Deep down, I think I knew I needed Him. I knew I could not do this on my own. But I had not fully laid everything down at the foot of the cross yet. I was still trying to carry too much. I was trying to understand everything. I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to do. I was trying to manage my emotions and the healing process. And, if I am honest, I was also trying to manage my husband and his recovery. I wanted to know what the outcome was going to be. I wanted to know if everything was going to be okay. I wanted to know if all of this pain was going to lead somewhere.

But God has been teaching me that I cannot carry all of that. I cannot control another person. I cannot make someone change. I cannot force healing. I can tell the truth. I can make healthy choices. I can listen for God’s direction. But I cannot control the outcome.

When I finally reached the point where I stopped trying to carry everything myself and truly turned toward God, that connection started growing stronger. John 15:5 says: “I am the vine; you are the branches.” I have read that verse many times, but it means something different to me now.

A branch cannot live on its own. It cannot produce fruit by trying harder. It has to stay connected to the vine. I think I have spent a lot of my life trying harder. Trying to be strong. Trying to fix things. Trying to earn love. Trying to hold everything together.

But Jesus does not ask me to do any of that on my own. He asks me to remain in Him. I can honestly look back now and see how staying connected to Jesus has slowly changed me and started producing fruit in my life again. I am learning to trust God more. I am learning to surrender things I cannot control. I am learning that my worth is not determined by someone else’s choices. I am learning that peace does not come from knowing how everything will turn out. It comes from knowing that God will be with me no matter how it turns out.

That does not mean I always feel strong. Sometimes I still feel like I am barely holding on. Sometimes my prayers are short. Sometimes all I can say is, “Jesus, help me.”

But even that matters. Even that is still a connection. Even that is still turning toward Him.

I think there are times when we believe our faith has to be big and strong for God to meet us. But maybe sometimes faith is just a tiny thread. Maybe it is simply saying His name. Maybe it is opening the Bible when we do not feel like reading. Maybe it is choosing to pray when we do not know what to say. Maybe it is trusting that He is still there, even when we cannot feel Him.

If you feel like you are barely holding on right now, keep holding onto Jesus. You do not have to pretend you are stronger than you are. You do not have to have all the answers. You do not have to know how the story is going to end. Just keep turning toward Him.

Looking back, I can see that the thread was never as fragile as it felt. It was holding me to Jesus. And Jesus was holding me too. Even the smallest thread matters.

-Aimee