Sometimes faithfulness looks like hurting and choosing not to make the hurt worse.

Yesterday sucked. There really isn’t a better way to say it. It was one of those days that took me right back to what life used to feel like before recovery started. The selfishness, the harshness, the excuses. Some of those old behaviors showed up again, and I hate how quickly they can bring back old pain. I think that’s one of the hardest parts of healing from betrayal. Something can happen today, but the pain isn’t only about today. It reminds me of all the other times, all the other hurt, all the years when this was normal and I didn’t understand why things felt the way they did. I hate that after everything we have been through and all the work that has been done, we can have a day that feels so much like the old days.

We had strong thunderstorms yesterday, so I couldn’t spend time outside like I wanted to. Normally I can go out to the flower field and find something that needs done. I can pull weeds, cut flowers, plant something, move something. There is always something to do out there. But yesterday I couldn’t do that, so I ended up driving an hour one way to an Amish store alone and then sitting inside watching TV. At one point he came in and asked me what was wrong and if something had happened. I was pretty mad about that. How could he not know what was wrong? He said he knew about us, but he thought maybe something else had happened. No. Nothing else happened. This was enough.

I was sad. I was angry. And I wanted the pain to stop. I thought about drinking. I’ve used alcohol before to numb what I didn’t want to feel, and for a little while it works. But the problem is still there when the alcohol wears off, and usually I’ve just added something else to feel bad about. So yesterday I didn’t drink. I prayed. A lot. Eventually I went to bed pretty early. I didn’t sleep very well. I kept waking up throughout the night, and this morning I don’t feel rested. I’m still sad. The problem isn’t fixed. The pain didn’t disappear because I prayed instead of drinking.

But maybe that’s the point I’m beginning to understand. Faithfulness doesn’t always make me feel better immediately. Sometimes faithfulness is being hurt and choosing not to make the hurt worse. Psalm 62:8 says, “Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Yesterday I had a choice about where I was going to pour out everything I was feeling. I could try to numb it, or I could take it to God. So I took it to God. Not nicely. Not with some perfectly worded prayer. I was hurt. I was angry. I was disappointed. And I told Him.

I couldn’t control the choices my husband was making. I couldn’t control whether he slipped back into old behaviors. But I could choose whether I went back to mine. His sliding backward does not mean I have to slide backward with him. I think that is something I really need to remember.

I don’t know what happens from here. I don’t know if yesterday was one really bad day or if there is something more that needs to be dealt with. That isn’t mine to figure out this morning. This morning I am tired. I’m still sad. I’m still hurt. But I didn’t make the hurt worse.

Maybe faithfulness today simply means I take this pain back to God again. Maybe it means I tell Him, “This still hurts. I still hate this. I don’t want to be here again. Help me trust You with today.”

Because sometimes choosing God doesn’t immediately change how I feel. Sometimes faithfulness is waking up the next morning still hurting and choosing Him again.

-Aimee
August 12, 2026